My message of hope

I know that there are lots of kids out there dealing with depression and anxiety, some even thinking of suicide. 

I want to share my story to send out a message of hope and let them know they are not alone.   ~ Jayna 

 

I started feeling sad about five years ago, when I was in Grade 11. I didn’t know I had depression, I just felt sad all the time and couldn’t focus. At first, I didn’t think it was anything, but then I kept on feeling that way and I realized something was wrong.

 
You can feel so alone and yet my feelings of sadness made me not want to be around other people. That made me isolate myself even more -no phone, no internet. Even with my family who would have understood, I just wanted to keep that away from them. I began having suicidal thoughts even then. 
 
It became really hard for me to do simple things – like getting up for school every day. I had been a good student in Grade 9 and 10, going to class every day but then school just didn’t seem important any more.
 
Then my friends started saying really mean things about me and spreading rumours. It really hurt. I guess they did that because I was behaving differently and they didn’t know what was happening. Now I realize they weren’t my real friends. 
 
The bullying made it even harder to go to school and I started skipping classes. My grades started going down and I failed a couple of courses. When I started Grade 12, I began turning to drugs – mostly MDMA (ecstasy).   It makes you feel hyper and happy and I could manage being with friends.   I took it every Friday so I could have a good time on the weekend, although I was still skipping school a lot. 
 
But things stayed the same. I didn’t graduate high school that year. I would spend most of the day in bed and then be awake all night – watching TV and just having too many thoughts to sleep. 
 
The anxiety kept me from doing so many things and I had no social life. I put so much pressure on myself to be a certain way and say certain things that I just didn’t want to go out. Especially with friends who had graduated from high school and were going on to university. I wanted to have something I could be proud of, but I wasn’t doing that well and wasn’t very proud of myself.
 
I could see the drugs were affecting my health. One day I looked in the mirror and said, “Oh my god, I don’t like this! I don’t look like myself, I don’t feel like myself.” So I stopped almost a year ago and haven’t gone back.  
 
I first heard about YouthLink last year from a doctor who suggested I come here for counselling. So I came for a couple of sessions and talked with Amy but I felt like I was being forced into it and didn’t need help. So I didn’t want to listen or try at all. 
 
But I was thinking a lot about my life. Amy kept in touch with me and would often call just to say, “Hey, we’re still here, if you need the help you can always come back.” One day last May I decided to call her. Somehow I just felt ready. It was my choice and that made all the difference. 
 
Since then I’ve been coming to counselling regularly. Now I’m seeing Shamsa because Amy is on maternity leave. It helps me think about things differently.   Now I understand that my emotions are normal even if they aren’t the same as my family and friends.
 
Shamsa has helped me realize that I am doing some things right. When I talked about the times I had seriously considered suicide, she helped me see the steps I took so that I didn’t end my life. 
 
One of the most important things for me is the idea of having a “toolbox”.   We talked about different tools I was already using to help me cope and what else I can do when the anxiety starts building. We talked about physical tools like listening to music to distract me or going to the gym, social tools like making a point to spend more time with my family and friends and emotional tools like thinking about how well I’m doing and asking for help.
 
Now I feel that I’m always walking with that bag full of tools and all I have to do is pull one of them out and fix the situation for myself.   I just didn’t think of it that way before.
 
I have really changed from thinking that asking for help means you’re weak – now I see it as one of the tools that makes me stronger. 
 
For example, I’m now enrolled in adult school to get my last three high school credits so I can graduate. When I went back I started feeling overwhelmed by anxiety, but was able to speak to the teacher about it.
 
It’s important to get the help you need and it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help. I was so worried about what my friends would think – they didn’t think someone my age needed therapy they thought that you’d have to be crazy to go to a psychiatrist. They made me feel like it’s not normal. 
 
But I know if I hadn’t come to YouthLink for counselling, I’d still be stuck back at home in bed, isolating myself thinking that there was no hope.
 
I just want to tell kids that everything’s going to be okay. Lots of us are dealing with anxiety and depression and there is hope. It’s important to tell people that I was feeling suicidal. Because I hope that if someone is thinking that way, then maybe if they hear my story and know that I felt that way too, they can realize there is hope.
 
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Send a message of support to Jayna and other youth struggling with depression and we will post your comments on our Wall of Hope.